Dr. Becky is a clincial psychologist, whose parenting strategies draw on principles from attachment theory, mInindfulness, and Iternal Family Systems (IFS). For mental health counselors working with families, Dr. Becky's strategies offer a treasure trove of insights that bridge the gap between theoretical psychology and the day-to-day challenges of parenting. By integrating Dr. Becky's approach into therapeutic practice, counselors can help parents embrace a non-judgmental, inclusive stance towards parenting, promoting emotional regulation, resilience, and a deep, empathic connection within the family unit. Below are some of the core concepts and strategies that are highlighted in the Good Inside approach described in Dr. Beck’s book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. You might also be interested in following Dr. Becky on Instagram.
Core Concepts and Strategies with Examples
Belief in Internal Goodness
Concept: Every child is inherently good; understanding this allows for curiosity rather than judgment towards behaviors.
Strategy: Encourage parents to look for the need or feeling behind a child's behavior.
Example: When a child acts out, instead of punishment, a parent might say, "It seems like you're really upset. Can we talk about what's bothering you?"
Multiplicities of Self
Concept: Acknowledge and validate the existence of multiple, sometimes conflicting, emotions and perspectives within a person.
Strategy: Use "parts" language to help children express themselves, such as, "A part of me feels angry, but another part doesn't want to be alone."
Example: During a conflict, a parent might help their child by saying, "It sounds like part of you is really mad at your brother, but another part of you might be feeling hurt. Is that right?"
Separating Behaviors from Identity
Concept: Behaviors are not indicative of a child's worth or character.
Strategy: Address behaviors specifically, without labeling the child.
Example: Instead of calling a child "naughty," a parent might say, "The way you hit your sister just now is not okay. Let's talk about other ways to express your frustration."
Validating Emotions
Concept: All emotions are valid and should be acknowledged.
Strategy: Practice active listening and validate children's feelings before offering solutions.
Example: If a child is upset about not winning a game, a parent might say, "It's really hard to lose, isn't it? It's okay to feel sad about it."
Co-Regulation
Concept: Parents help children manage their emotions by staying calm and present during distressing moments.
Strategy: Use calming techniques together, like deep breathing or counting.
Example: "I can see you're really upset. Let's take some deep breaths together to feel a bit calmer."
Encouraging Resilience Over Happiness
Concept: Teaching children to manage discomfort and challenges is more beneficial than always being happy.
Strategy: Normalize struggles and frame them as opportunities for growth.
Example: "I know this is really tough for you, but I also know you're strong. How can we work through this together?"
Strategies for Connection
PNP (Play No Phone) Time: Dedicate 10-15 minutes of undivided attention to play with the child, showing them they are valued.
Fill Up Game: Use affectionate gestures, like hugs, to 'fill up' a child with love, ensuring they feel secure and connected.
Emotional Vaccination: Prepare children for potentially distressing events by discussing what might happen and how they can cope, reinforcing their resilience.
Addressing Common Challenges with Playfulness
Whining: Treat whining as a sign of a child's unmet need for connection rather than a nuisance. Respond with light-heartedness to defuse tension.
Not Listening: Enhance cooperation through engaging games or playful challenges that capture the child's attention and cooperation.
Fear and Anxiety: Share personal stories of overcoming similar feelings, emphasizing empathy and understanding without immediately seeking to fix the problem.